A (Mostly) Vegetarian Trip Through Western Philosophy

Let’s be honest: when you hear the word philosophy, you probably picture a dusty old guy stroking his beard and muttering things like “being is not not-being.” But what if I told you that Western philosophy is full of rebels, mystics, mathematical vegetarians, and even a guy who lived in a barrel and barked at people?

Buckle up for a lightning-fast (and slightly ridiculous) journey from the ancient Greeks to Enlightenment thinkers — with zero boring lectures and absolutely no fava beans. (Sorry, Pythagoras.)

PRESOCRATICS: Water, Fire, and No Beans Allowed

Thales of Miletus (640–548 BCE) thought everything came from water. Not your average water bottle, but a cosmic soup of H₂O. He’s also considered the first philosopher and a math nerd. Plus, he said, “The oldest being is God, because he wasn’t born.” Mic drop.

Pythagoras (570–495 BCE): Mathematics, reincarnation, secret societies… and a weird hatred for beans. He believed numbers ruled the universe and that your soul might return as a chicken. Oh, and he was possibly the West’s first vegetarian. Mysterious and crunchy.

Xenophanes (570–475 BCE) called out the ancient gods for being a little too human. “If horses had gods, they’d look like horses,” he joked. Instead, he proposed a universal god and championed intelligence over brute strength. Smart horse guy.

Heraclitus (535–475 BCE): aka “The Dark One.” He spoke in riddles, believed everything was in constant flux, and introduced the Logos — a cosmic logic behind it all. Also: “You can’t step in the same river twice.” Deep.

ELEATICS: Nothing Ever Moves (Not Even Achilles)

Parmenides (515–450 BCE) was that guy at the party saying “Change isn’t real.” According to him, reality is one, still, and unchanging. Everything else is just opinion (doxa). Time? An illusion. Motion? A lie.

Zeno of Elea (489–431 BCE) tried to prove Parmenides right with brain-melting paradoxes. His most famous? Achilles can never catch a turtle. Trust me, it makes sense if you ignore actual physics.

SOCRATIC GANG: Dialogue, Demons, and the Art of Confusion

Socrates (470–399 BCE) never wrote anything down, but he asked so many annoying questions that they gave him the death penalty. He invented maieutics, aka “philosophical midwifery,” helping people give birth to ideas. His favorite trick? Pretending to be ignorant so others would talk themselves into knots. Legend.

Plato (428–348 BCE), his student, founded the Academy, distrusted art, and thought reality was just shadows in a cave. Obsessed with ideals, love (Eros), and justice, he basically wrote all the most important philosophy fanfic of Socrates.

Aristotle (384–322 BCE): Plato’s student turned rebel. He founded the Peripatetic school, dissected everything from ethics to physics, and introduced the famous “Golden Mean”: not too much, not too little, just right. Also believed in four elements and a motionless god.

ATOMISTS: Tiny Things, Big Ideas

Democritus (460–370 BCE): All that exists? Atoms and the void. That’s it. Everything else is noise.

Epicurus (341–270 BCE): The anti-party hedonist. Pleasure is good, but he meant simple pleasures: friends, peace of mind, and some bread (vegan, of course). He didn’t fear death because… you won’t be around to notice it.

THE CYNIC WHO LIVED IN A BARREL

Diogenes (412–323 BCE): He trolled Plato, rejected luxury, and lived like a dog (literally — “cynic” means “doglike”). He called himself a cosmopolitan, peed in public, and told Alexander the Great to “get out of my sunlight.” Iconic.

STOICS: Chill, Wise, and Pain-Tolerant

Zeno of Citium (361–263 BCE) taught that virtue is the only good, passion is bad, and life should follow nature. Stoics were the original “keep calm and carry on” crowd.

Cicero (106–43 BCE) tried to Romanize Greek wisdom and hated Epicureans. He believed in enduring pain with dignity and using philosophy for political life. Also loved a good philosophical pep talk.

Seneca (4 BCE–65 CE): Wrote letters on how to live well, face death, and rise above emotions. All while being Nero’s advisor. Tough job.

Marcus Aurelius (121–180 CE): Roman emperor, daily journaler, and the OG self-help author. Meditations = Stoic Twitter before Twitter.

SKEPTICS & MYSTICS

Sextus Empiricus (c.160–210 CE): “Can we ever really know anything?” Short answer: nah. Long answer: embrace ataraxia (tranquility) by suspending judgment on everything.

Plotinus (205–270 CE): Invented Neoplatonism. Reality flows from The One through Nous (Mind) into the World Soul. Happiness = mystical contemplation of the divine. Deep vibes only.